YOU and me

I'm looking for my son, my daughter,
someone to love like no other, someone to call my
captivating, my darling, my beautiful, my self.
I'm looking for myself through the weeds that leave
my home-born dandelions worn, torn up against the thorns,
just looking for a place to
breathe in
and breathe out
the oxygen that is me, the oxygen that is my life,
and the only response left for you is to
hyperventilate because you cannot get enough of me,
you cannot even demonstrate or calculate your need for me
but in gasps of air, struggling to live without me,
but hold up, slow down, wait up, calm down,
as I allow this cadence in our love fest between lover and beloved
past the good times and the bad times ahead,
I ask of you, How much of me will you devour?
How much of me will you allow to carry you this hour?

Bring me your flowers in the form of kisses,
so that I may be wrapped up in your lips
as you envelop my soul with your tongue of truth, dripping, diving,
seeping, soaking my wounds from my father
and my mother and my church
as your saliva searches through the nooks and crannies of my inner being,
past the "What's your name?" and
"Where are you from?" and
"What's your major?"
when my heart is screaming out for some major help
in the form of a hug, in the form of something,
anything to show me that you care.
I am laid bare, wrapped in the fetal position of despair.
Will you be more than hollow promises of affection
simply reflecting the choruses of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson?
Will you kick me to the curb and leave me by the wayside?
or will I somehow find that you and I collide?
So I reply by asking you, How long have you been chasing me breathtakingly?
How exactly wonderful do you wish this hour alone with me will be?

The wonder of life with me is
life, electrical shocks run through your veins and arteries
unlocking the imagery of a spiritual process of photosynthesis
because like I said, I am your oxygen,
you can't even begin to rap coz I've got you so wrapped up in me in you in me in you.
You start spitting rhymes like "Ch-ch m-m-m-mike 1 2?
Can you feel my caress to compress my infinite love for you
in these similies and these metaphors you can understand?
Digest them in, express them back, profess them up
to the heavens as they are interwomen with Beethoven-like symphonies,
and I will stretch my hand out back towards you from eternity,
and in the process, waking up the protozoa of hope and faith,
exploding into a supernova of love and grace.
And you still wonder how this hour alone with me will be?
Birds soar into my majesty and fish dive into my regal blue seas,
grass dances to my violins of the wind
and crickets jam to the voices that I've placed within.
And it is the jealousy within me that not only
wants to make this hour fabulously marvelous,
but I will travail to set you free and prevail in uniting
you with the Christ, uniting you with me.
And here is all of me for all of you,
but only you can delay, only you can obstruct, only you can hinder.
How fully can you not be afraid and surrender?

Fill my mind with your mind to the last crevice
so that it may create a new genesis
and develop an antithesis to me and my story.
Catch me into your arms so that I may let go and float
into your sea of sweet canteloupe
that my taste buds begin to rejoice in the hope that is
succulent in my times of turbulence,
and it is in these times that I find none that is
equivalent to you, my nerves
are exploding in cataclysmic proportions.
I will not allow my life to be another spiritual abortion,
so I cling to your power to make this hour
terribly glorious because
I'm sick of being notorious for being a man all about me
so make me victorious over the man that is me.
Allow me to attempt to hold you
to the point where I'm tempted to no longer hold you,
so I fall into you and I am at rest
when I am you and you are me.
Swathe me into your heart, restart my
mind in a level unknown that is beyond infininty,
that is you, that makes E=MC squared like two plus two compared to you.
Allow me and you to begin our dramatic comedic romantic adventure-like fusion
as your heart begins the percussion of the drumbeats of my heart beats
and it continues to beat
and it continues to beat
and it continues to beat
and it continues to beat
to the revelations of your ongoing passions
that is you
that is me
this is me in you
this is you in me
and THAT IS WHY I SING!

Nostalgia

Remember that time when you both bought that girl a grade school graduation gift to show her your feelings, hoping that she's return them somehow, and the whole school thoguht it was scandal that you liked someone?
Remember that time when you cried and they went to call my older sister to tend to me, but she was crying as well?
Remember that time when you crapped your pants because you forgot your speech running for president of the student council?
Remember that time when your parents was crying and you had no idea why?
Remember that time when all five people shared one room, and you weren't ashamed of it?
Remember that time when you received bookholders and McDonalds toys for Christmas and it was the happiest moment of your life?
Remeber that time when you came back from Malaysia and you got fat...and then it was downhill from there?
Remember Career Day?
Remember that time when you lost in something for the first time?
Remember that time when you and your boys thought you were the shit in school?
Remember that time when you were the loneliest, most awkward kid in the school?
Remember that time when the bully hit you in the head with a ball and you just walked away?
Remember that time when she talked to you and you were too busy thinking why she was even looking at you?
Remember that time when the park was your life?
Remember that time when you had the thrill of your life in Vegas?
Remember that time when two towers during Gym changed your life?
Remember that time when you took the mic for the first time?
Remember that time when you were wondering why you were the only Asian kid dumb enough to wake up 6 in the morning on Saturday to wear a suit and perform some random speech to other rich suburban white people?
Remember that time when you had to take science classes?
Remember that time when scrambled porn peeped into your life?
Remmeber that time when you sang for Yankee Stadium, Billy Joel, and Congress?
Remember that time when someone liked you back?
Remember that time when she rejected you anyway?
Remember that time when you finally had confidence?
Remember that time when you went to a school for no apparent reason?
Remember that time when one man's talk changed your life?
Remember that time when you met Peter?
Remember that time when things seemed perfect?
Remember that time when you sang that song?
Remember that time when you drank that coffee?
Remember that time when it hailed?
Remember that time when your family and you loved each other, but couldn't express it?
Remember that time when you made the video?
Remember that time when you were confused?
Remember that time when you thought you understood women?
Remember that time when your small group made a breakthrough?
Remember that time when he left?
Remember that time when you kissed her and it felt so good but it sucked so bad?
Remember that time when you cried because you thought back on that Career Day?
Remember that time when you finally understood?
Remember that time when you finally realized you had more understanding to do?
Remember that time when you were crazy about her?
Remember that time when you though she was crazy about you?
Remember that time when you found out you were wrong?
Remember that time when you thought it would be cool to write about your past?

Good.

Now, I can forget the past and remember that I have a future.

You cannot be serious!

This is without a doubt one of the worse months of my life.

One Thing

We're all looking for the same thing anyway. I do not care if you are a businessman on Wall Street, a farmer in the boondocks of Mississippi, or a college student at Emory; we're all screaming something! We're all screaming one thing! SOMEONE LOVE ME! Will someone look at me and see someone of importance? Will someone go home at night and think of me before they think of themselves? Someone love me! Someone look at me! Someone show me I'm okay! I do not need someone to tell me these things, just show me these things.

Am I beautifully and wonderfully made? I don't want to sound like a desperate girl in a cheesy chick flick, but what the hell is wrong with sounding like a desperate girl in a cheesy chick flick?! This American white MTV tall skinny world has got me searching for acceptance. So...accept me.

I must accept me.

How Much Should I Say?

How much should i say? How much of my heart can I pour out on this thing so that the empty responses only leaves hope of people out there who actually understand? How much can I let out without offending someone? What do you want me to do? This blog is the freeing and yet it is binding. What do you want me to say? Do you want to hear my heart?

You've heard it before. You do not want to hear what is in my heart right now. You would not like it.

I am better than this.

Take That Jump

I specifically remember that moment. Three feet separated me from reaching the other side of the stream. The stream flowed no faster than 2 miles an hour, but it felt more like I was on a yellow raft in the rough terrains of the Indian Ocean from the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I looked to my left and there was the safe route. There was the bridge that would easily take me back to the campsite. But there in front of me was the challenge. Just take the jump. Jumping three feet is miniscule when I think of my true physical abilities. Nonetheless, my imagination started playing movie reels of worse scenario situations like it was some sort of FOX reality television show. What if I miss it by half an inch, causing me to fall over, fall on my head on another rock, and become paralyzed from the neck down? What if I hit the rock and it becomes the last amount of pressure it can take in before it cracks the ground and an earthquake occurs? What if there's an animal on the rock and I kill it, but its family and crew come out to fight me in vengeance? The fact that none of my scenarios make any sense at all doesn't matter; they seemed real. The worse that could possibly have happened was me missing the rock and finding myself sinking in half a foot of water.

So what did I do?

I took the safe bridge. Maybe the little respect you had for me has diminished to nothing or maybe you are encouraged that there is someone more cowardly than yourself. However you may feel, this is my life and these are the actions that I take. Oh Wizard, oh wizard of oz, would you let Dorothy go home, and give me some courage. My thick fur is the facade of empty promises, and my roars are these poetic words of wisdom and scattered confident moments in my character, but at the end of the day, I will not bite. I will not yell. I will not jump. I will not live.

Which is why I am here. So I don't care anymore. I don't care how much this is going to hurt. I don't care how afraid I am. I don't care that this is vague. I don't care that you are so vain to think I'm talking about you. I don't care that I'll probably be sulking about life for about a week or more. I am sick of taking the bridge. Let me take that jump. Let me take that jump. Let me take that jump!!!

Stop writing and take that