So This is the Adventure

SHORT STORY

Sometimes, I don't know where I am going or what I am going to say. I was planning to do 10 minutes of icebreakers, 20 minutes of testimonies, 15 minutes of videos and questions, 30 minutes of study, 15 minutes of reflection. That is how planned Christian meetings go. That was how things are supposed to go. Except when I asked how we were doing, it turned into a two-hour conversation that opened my eyes, stretched out my ears, and touched my heart. He said, "So X and I have been talking....and umm.....we've pretty much both...come to the conclusion that...there is no reason why I shouldn't be Christian." These are the moments I live for. He reminded us that this is why we fight. This is why we love. This is why we live.

LONG STORY

"Hello, may I speak to Pastor Kurt?"
"This is he."
"Hi, I heard that you've been sleeping with the homeless for three days a week for the past 25 years, can I go with you?"
"Only if you're 21. If not, I can still show you around."
"Sure thing."
And so I began my journey to the inner-city by myself to see what is going on in the city of Atlanta for myself, not sugarcoated for suburban college kids. it began with where all great experiences begins for me: the city bus. I grew up in the city bus, in the only place of diversity, where our mutual fatigue is shared and overrides the pain between us. I read, she sleeps, he stares. We ride. We ride into the part of the city few go into, and those that do, for all the wrong reasons. I come out and I realize I still have 20 minutes to go before I meet with Pastor Kurt. There is already a disheveled man to my right within seconds of coming out of the train station. He is nothing different from what I haven't seen since I was 3 the first time I arrived at this country. But this time, I looked at him. You know sometimes, you can look at someone so closely it feels like you have time control, and you just froze time so that the momento, the image will forever be with you. It was long, gray hair with faded green outfit. He had a trash bag that he leaned on, waiting for the minutes to past, waiting for death to come. I said to myself, "This is how John the Baptist would look if he had no hope in God." As my head turned, I bumped into another gentleman and he performed the homeless Atlanta speech on me.
"I'm a good guy, really I am. Do you just have any money so that I can get some food to eat?"
"Sorry, sir. I have no money, but if you go down to this church with me, they will give you food."
"Church? Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it."
"Hmmm okay, well what is your name, brother?"
"Alvarez."
"Alvarez? Hi, I'm Yih. Where do you live?"
"Where do I live??? Here on the street. I'm homeless, man!"
"Hmmm....there are places that can feed and clothe you. Come with me."
"I know, it's okay. I'll see you later."
"Good luck, brother."
Good luck? Good luck, brother? What on earth was I thinking? No, this is for the better, I say to myself as I continue to walk down the road to meet Pastor Kurt, to learn about homeless people. Erwin McManus' words come into my head, "It is these moments that extroadinary things can happen. God never guaranteed certainty." But God, what if he's just another drug abuser? What if he just wants to trick me? Why doesn't he go to the homeless shelters? I should just keep walking. I should keep walking. No! I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't just be seeing these people as experiments. I need to do this for myself. I need to talk to him. I turned around, and I could still see his head dejected to the floor, looking for life and hope. I have that life, I have that hope. I just paid 67 dollars for Fogo De Chao, I can treat this man to dinner. I bolted back and ran right into him.
"Alvarez. Have you had dinner yet?"
"No...?"
"Alvarez. Pick a place, my treat."
He picks Hooters. Oh no.
"So tell me your story, brother."
"You want to hear my story?" He gets a little bit giddy, but then his smile turns into a sigh.
Alvarez begins to share his story, but his eyes said it all. This is just another kid who I need to prove to that I am not a loser, that I want to live a normal life, that I don't do drugs, that I truly want life. I could see that his lack of sincerity was caused by his fear of me. I was the king in the moment, controlling him with my debit card to pay for his wings, and he was the subject trying to prove to me that he is worth it. I knew that it would take time before he becomes sincere. I looked at my cellphone. 7:25 pm. Crap! I had to meet Pastor Kurt in 5 minutes. What am I to do? I need to talk to Alvarez. I want to know his life.
"Alvarez, let me pay for the meal first, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm leaving my stuff here, okay? I just need to tell someone something."
"Ummmm.....okay. Just make sure you pay for it first."
I bolted down Peachtree and then two blocks down Ellis street, and twice, I was stopped by a few kids my age in the shadows who asked me if I was there to buy the stuff. I softly shouted, NO, and continued running down to the parking lot where I was supposed to meet Pastor Kurt. An amiable man in a gray jacket and jeans, he smiles and says, "Yih?"
"Pastor Kurt, hi. Can we reschedule. I met a homeless guy and I'm buying him dinner right now."
Though smiling, he says, "Fine, if you want them to take advantage of you, go ahead."
I left. But as I slowly walked back to Hooters, I thought to myself once again. What? How dare he say that? Wouldn't he be happy that I am eating with the marginalized? I just want to reach out to him. I guess he's just being wise and trying to look out for me. People do take advantage of college looking, non-black kid. I was angry with Pastor Kurt. I was also angry with Alvarez. Was he just tricking me?
I walked back into Hooters, and there he was smiling, waiting for me to return before he even began eating. But my questioning went from "Tell me about your life" to "Tell me if you are tricking me." I quickly saw my change in attitude and immediately lashed out at me.
"There is always a price, isn't there! If I want food out here, I gotta beg. It's the same thing with these ministries. If I want food, I have to listen to sermons. Don't you sometimes just not want to go to class? Well, I'm human and I have a choice too. Sometimes, I don't want to go to church and hear the story, thinking they understand me. They don't! I'm human too! My price is listening to the church. Same bullshit!"
His truth slashed right to my heart, and it was true. He explained to me how the people who go to these ministries are the same ones who "go back to smoking and drinking at Peachtree and Pine."
"They've been going there for 10 years now. I don't want to be with that crowd anymore. They just go to take advantage of the food. I am my own person."
With the words that Pastor Kurt said to me and this new perspective I heard from Alvarez, I decided to just shut up and listen. I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't know why I was buying this guy dinner. What am I doing?
We continued to talk for the next two hours over fish n' chips, and wings. We talked about church, life, race, and everything in between. Near the end of our conversation, I found an opening to let him know why I was doing all this in the first place. Taking out my bible, I explained to him how God cares for him, the poor, the marginalized, the depressed, basically everything that is Alvarez. He seemed to take in more of the verses I was reading than the food he was eating (in fact, he never finished his food). Give me more, his eyes said, please give me more.
"You said you want a personal relationship with God. Do you believe you have it?"
"I talk to him and he gets me out of depression, so I know he exists."
"Do you read the bible?"
"I lost mine."
"Alvarez, the single most important thing is listening to God and one of the premier ways that God speaks to us is through this book, the most important book you will ever find. Promise me you will find yourself a bible and read it everyday."
"Yeah, I've been looking for a bible to read. I promise I will."
I sat back and smiled, and so did he. But my heart felt like a fool, like a televangelist. I was telling him how important this stuff is, and then I just send him off and say, "Go in peace!" Paying for the 30 dollar meal was easy. I treat my friends and family on a regular basis if I can. It is no different. But God's whisper came.
"Yih, will you give up this bible?"
"What! No!!! This is my QUEST STUDY BIBLE. It has been the most influential book, not just the bible, but this particular one. I bought it for 35 dollars, and this book has changed my life. I have carried it everywhere I went, and I often feel naked when I don't have it. How do I even know this guy will read it. No!!!"
"Yih, do it."
That exchange between me and God occurred in the timespan of possibly 10 seconds during the smiles, and I felt like the kid in Flushing Hospital, before the doctor gave me the shot. If you're going to do it, just do it now. Just hurt me now.
"Take it! Just take it!"
His eyes lit up. "What?"
"Do you need a bible? Take this man."
He snatched it from the table and put it into his bag quickly. A little bit too quick. I wanted the exchange to be slow motion, so that the moment will forever live on in my mind. But I didn't even get to say goodbye. It just left. It hurt.
The next and last 10 minutes of the dinner will forever be lost in my memory because the whole time, I was thinking, "Why did I just do that? What? He probably won't even read it."
We then went to the MARTA station where he spends the night. I bought him a token, and as we rode the train up to Lindbergh, I reminded him about 8 times. "Alvarez, you do realize that this isn't just any Bible. This is the book of my life. I love it. I'm trusting you with it."
He laughs louder each time and says, "Okay, okay, as if I were a parent constantly reminding him to eat and shower in college.
"Promise me something. Just please promise me something," I begged. "Please just promise me you will read that an hour a day for the rest of your life."
His eyes stared into mine. "I will."
I didn't trust him. I don't trust him. But in the midst of my doubt, he changed the subject. "Yih, what do you want to do with your life?"
I proceeded to explain to him my passion to be a journalist, a teacher, and now something in ministry. "I just want to expose truth and change the world by being the messenger."
In the middle of my talk, he is confused and says with curiosity, "How did you become a Christian? It sounds like you've had quite the life too.'
My testimony was set and near the end of it, he expresses the same thing that I'm talking to my small group about.
"Yih, you talk about God like he is the greatest Father in the world. You have to understand, my father was selfish. I never had that."
We reached Lindbergh, and I sat with him for another 20 minutes. "Alvarez, most men grow up without a father. All men grow up without the perfect father. You are not alone, but God isn't like that. He loves you."
The idea of father and son struck him and we sat in silence, thinking about that concept of a perfect Father, and of a perfect place called heaven. "I still can't think of it. Sorry, I'm not there yet, Yih."
I don't know where the night went. I was supposed to be sleeping with homeless. I was supposed to be with Pastor Kurt. But the past two hours of my life, I have received stares of clenched eyebrows and confused faces. And at the end of the night, I still have no answers. I don't know if he will ever read that Bible. I don't know if he will ever see God in a clearer way. I don't know if he will ever escape the life of homelessness or his problems of depression. In that moment, I did the only thing I could do. I prayed for him. I gave him my number and I left.
Isn't this the part where I tell you how even though I gave up the money and the bible, that I had the best experience of my life and I would do it all over again? No. Pastor Kurt's words were still in my head, and I somewhat regret all that I did. But then again, I asked myself, "How would you feel if you didn't do the things that you did tonight?" I probably would've regretted it more. And so I move on and live on, with the hope and the faith that God will use that small meeting and move mountains with it.
I might be in the the first half hour of my adventure, and it's different. It's not what I expected to feel. I have no conclusion. I have no certainty that all my actions may go down in vain. But for some reason, it always seems right to do what's right, even if it turns out wrong.

-"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

"I'm afraid," he confessed as Maven stood with him in the place where his quest would begin.
"Of what?" Maven asked in his calming voice.
"For this journey. Have I learned all I need to know?" Ayden queried.
"Ayden," he replied, "you know all you need to know."
"What should I take with me?" Ayden continued.
"Leave all you have and take all you are."
Ayden persisted, "And the path, is it safe to travel?"
Mayden looked at him sternly for the first time he could remember and scolded him. 'It is not safe to remain! It is not the place but the Presence that upholds you! This is your only certainty. Go! Walk where no man has walked, yet you find footprints."

-Entry 707/The Perils of Ayden