Be careful what you pray for

A few months ago, I prayed and desperately asked God to give me the ability to cry. I needed to feel this release after going through countless moments where I felt that the natural inclination was to shed tears, but all I got was this nagging on my heart and then I'll just laugh to one of Urkel's antics or Mr. Huckstables expressions. My frustration to feel made me question my ability to be human. For if I cannot cry about a friend's mother's death, how can I cry about anything? A few months ago, I could count on my hand how many times I have cried in the past decade. 2005-Cried when Arunan left Emory. 2003-Cried for a total of 26 seconds when I realized I was going to be alone for four straight months. 2002-Cried when I was watching I Am Sam with my parents. 2001-Cried on September 13th when a remix of voices of 911 and Enrique Iglesias' Hero played. 1997-Cried in bed one night when people called me gay. So what has changed?

Somedays, I pray and wish that maybe one day, I will be able to go to sleep without crying myself to sleep. It shocks me to even write that, and I just took a 4 minute break to look over and laugh over that last sentence. I sound like the overdramatic girl I knew in sophomore year of high school, who I rebuked for crying over petty things when kids are dying every few minutes around the world. But that is who I have become. I guess the only difference is that I am not crying over relationships anymore.

So what am I crying over? Life doesn't and it hasn't resolved. So why should this post? Why should I?