How I Spend My Sunday Nights

I'm going to admit it. I do not know what the hell women are thinking. I try to pretend I know what they're thinking. I try to ask them what they're thinking, and they expect to THINK I know what they're thinking. But I give up. I'm done. Finito. Finsihed, man. It's over. Hang it up. Throw in the towel. Ring the bell. They call men stupid for not understanding. I call women crazy.

And tonight, I had my proof. In the SHIT (i was trying to free-write this entire post, and was trying to think of something poetic to say describing the boringness of the weekend night...but all I got was SHIT...and yes, I am a Christian that's "not supposed to say" SHIT, but when you're a writer, trust me...you say SHIT a lot. Ask Anne Lamott and Donald Miller, but like I was saying), in the SHIT of the night, I was surfing through the Internet, and I remembered an interesting ad in Columbus Circle's train station.

It was secrets women have written into Secret.com (the women's deodorant) that were all pretty entertaining. Though I have forgotten what any of them said (which is fine -- since i can laugh at the same jokes each night on the train), I went to the website, and picked some of my favorites.

-- My fiance thinks I'm 8 years younger.
-- I secretly hope my child will be goth.
-- I think my husband is a closet gay.
-- I'm really a man.
-- Sometimes I just pretend to pick up the dog poo.
-- I pooped in a lake.
-- I'm madly in love with the one person I hate.
-- I called the cops on my own party because I wanted to go to sleep.
-- My first biological son has no idea I'm his real mother.
-- I go to AA meetings not because I am an alocholic, but to see him.

Everything else seems to be about women telling the world how they still love their EX, how they dont love who they are currently with, or how they are truly lesbian.

But in any case -- proves my point that they're crazy.

(By the way, I know it is the same concept as the entertaining music video, "Dirty Little Secret" by AAR, but I don't feel like attributing this post to being EMO right now.)

So in the spirit of secrets and being completely unknowable and secretive and mysterious and all that other junk -- here are a few of my own. But crap! If I say them, they will not longer be secrets. So some of them will be pure lies, and other, completely true. How will you know? Well, if you're a guy, you're used to this. If you're a woman, welcome to the world of guessing what FUCK (sorry, writer's block again) you think.

-- I kissed a man when I was eight.
-- I am still afraid to speak in public.
-- Despite what I say, I really hate the poor. And I really hate minorities, unless they're family.
-- I pee in the shower...even when it's not my shower. In fact, I have never not peed in the shower, when I shower.
-- I farted at least 15 times that night with you.
-- I was so ashamed to kiss you, but if I had a chance to go back and do it again, I would've done it longer.
-- Christians piss me off more than non-Christians.
-- If I could have a superpower, I would have Zack Morris' freeze time thing, and punch you in the face.
-- Those deep things I say -- those heart wrenching I love you moments that I say -- I never mean them. I am just a drama queen that watched too much 90210 growing up, hoping to recreate those moments.
-- I do not work out for myself. And I honestly believe anyone who says that is full of crap.
-- I wish I was white.
-- I wish I was Republican.
-- I forgot my mom's birthday, my dad's birthday, my bro's birthday, and my sister's birthday at least once each.
-- I am really pissed when people forget my birthday.
-- ORGIES!
-- I touched my teacher's breasts when I was 12.
-- I tried marijuana the night before going to church.
-- I went to church high one week and hungover the next, and went to the altar before going back and do some more.
-- If killing wasn't a sin or a crime, 100 people would not be enough.
-- FAGS!
-- When I say, I like all music except country, I lie. I love Garth Brooks. I really really really despise Christian music.
-- I have spend more hours watching MTV than in front of the Bible in my life or in any stretch of time.
-- I fantasized of my friends' mothers at least once a year.
-- None of these are lies.
-- None of these are true.
-- Nothing pisses me off more than people who think I am better than I really am.
-- I crapped my pants over 5 times in college. And didn't clean up once.

That was a nice eclectic group of lies and truths...maybe. Nonetheless, that was fun, and I have a feeling like previous posts -- this might be the one that:
1) helps me lose friends
2) helps me gain some friends I dont want to have in the first place
3) someone copycats the post without giving me credit
4) I will have people pray over me or something like that.
5) people will have a bigger problem over the fact that I said shit and fuck, and do not like Crowder music than the fact that I have a supreme hatred for at least 100 people in my life.

...that's if they were true...