Weekend Rest

I am cynical of retreats. Too many bridges, too much murky water, the food is too good, the people are too nice, the songs are too Christian. And yet, Friday afternoon hit and I could not wait to jump in a car and go into the mountains of Northern Georgia. Within the messiness of my own life, all I knew was that I needed a break. So we made our way to Sonic. We got into the lodge and ate home cooked lasagna meals. We cringed at bad icebreakers and listened to speakers talk when the last thing I wanted to do was to sit in a room silently. We talked into the wee hours of the morning about farting and girls and God and etc. We woke up earlier than we should've. We played hookie to sleep. We ate more and more. We broke cell phones and hopped into the lake. We played football with 8 receivers on each team. We played loud wooden instruments at 1 in the morning. We ate smores.

So after all of that, I came back and I realized something -- something I dually wanted to realize and terrified to realize at the same time. I care about people. I wanted to deny it, but I do. I love people and all the misery they bring on me. The relationships in my life -- no matter how awkward or hurtful or mean-spirited -- are essential to my well-being.

And in a Christian retreat, what about God? We talked about evangelism the entire weekend and that initially scared the crap out of me. Growing up in NYC, that's just not a word you use lightly. Too many scary images pop into my head that I do not want to relive or reimagine. After the weekend, I still cringe at the sight or the thought of the word. And yet, God spoke to me and was very much alive. In an indirect way, all that talk about evangelism and wanting to talk about God made me curious about who God was and is again.

I'll admit it. I have not been praying. I have not been reading my Bible. So basically, I have not known God. It makes it easier that God is never changing, but there nonetheless exists a disconnect between us caused by me. So my curiosity in reconnecting to God has strengthened. And honestly, it feels good to at least want to want to know God. Because like Meredith Grey says, "It's exhausting hating you." Sometimes, it's hard loving God, but not loving God is just flat out exhausting.

Now, I can rest.