The Lonelihood of the Solitary Gay

Some see it as journalistic instinct. Others see it as a woman trapped in a man's body. But sometimes, I venture into activities that are dangerous to both my sanity and my testosterone level. But to men, is that not one in the same?

Long story short, I rented The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. College is the perfect, and perhaps the only time to experiment, they say. So I dove head first, full force into the world of tampons and giggles and dreamy European boys.

For those who don't know, the plot is this: Four girls, who were best friends since birth. They separate for the summer, but before they do, they find a pair of jeans they all miraculously fit into. Apparently, this is the equivalent of men picking the same teams for NFL pickem on any given week. They decide to pass the pants around for the summer, hoping to bring great fortune to those who receive it. Love, family issues, and leukemia ensue.

How does such an orgy fest of estrogen affect a male? Here is a real-time log of the last 30 minutes. (Seriously, I paused the movie so I can write this intro).

1:33 Indie girl does bad acting job, of trying to give pants to leukemia girl. I cannot believe audiences are falling for this tissue moment. Outside of the bad acting moments, check out this line. "I hope it works their magic on you," to which the other girl replies, "they already worked their magic. They brought me to you." Oh my god. I feel like I'm watching Notebook meets Lesbian Brokeback. The lines are more planned than a WWF matchup, but not the good ones on Wrestlemania, but the crappy ones they feature on network television. This is pathetic! But why am I leaking?
1:35 Hot, blonde girl. She is honestly only there to give boyfriends some hope for finishing this movie alive.
1:36 The only Asian in this movie is a guy who plays Dungeons and Dragons all day at the local supermarket. Demasculize me, please.
1:37 Why does it feel like I'm in the act of jailbait whenever I watch Alexis Bledel? I'm not attracted to her. But she's wearing a skirt. And that alone makes me feel like I'm watching child pornography.
1:39 Girl talk about mothers and bad jokes while eating pizza. I don't even know what they're saying. Even though I would be intrigued to figure out what girls talk about when together, it will probably bore me so much that I'd act the same way when girls talk to me when I'm around. Daydream.
1:40 What the hell just happened? The girl talk led to all the girls crying with sappy Full House music in the background. And here comes the girls telling each other how awesome they are and how much guys suck. This is precious. "You have something else too." "What?" "You have us!" NO, YOU WILL NOT LEAK, YIH. YOU WILL NOT LEAK!
1:41 In Greece. A hot girl just says papu to her daddy. I wish my wife calls me papu or papi when we're making love. At least that would make up for when BT said she liked me like I a father.
1:42 The storyline: hot blonde (high school soccer player) likes her college blond guy coach. The guy plays hard to get, and randomly finds her in her pajamas near the end of the movie. What a tool! And by tool, I say YOU LUCKY BASTARD....she's not even wearing a bra. Again I say, good work from filmmakers to intersperse the girl talk with hot blondes not wearing bras.
1:44 I wonder what I'll eat tomorrow. I can't believe my internship is almost over.
1:48 What did they just say? Is that Kelly Clarkson in the background? The only thing that would make this any more gayer is if it was Justin Guarini.
1:48 Scenes of a fun road trip with girls. Thank God for movies like Road Trip and Harold and Kumar because if road trips are based on films like this, say goodbye to the male marketing strategies for pickup trucks or Range Rovers. Because no man would ever, ever drive.
1:49 The storyline: daughter finds out her father has a new girlfriend and is going to marry. She is very much against it and runs away. Now, she comes back upon the urging of her friends to the wedding, so they sit quietly in the back. The father freezes and says, "There's an important family member missing...my daughter. I miss you, I love you." May the tears flow like the River of Jordan. Okay, I am not leaking. But I suddenly have an uncontrollable rate of breathing. And I am not even touching myself. Yes, yes. That joke was only to reinforce my own masculinity.
1:50 "To us. Who we were and who we are. And who we will be. To the pants. And to the sisterhood. And to this moment. And the rest of our lives. Together and apart." Cue the country music.

And to that, I say. To death. To who I was. And to who I should have been. But who I will be, my gaping vagina. To my lonely days at the Wet Bar. To Lance Bass. Open or closeted. Cue The Village People.