My Sports Guy Story

For those who know who the Sports Guy is, this will quite entertaining.
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The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Alex Rodriguez had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Joe Kerrigan, that I dislike more than Alex Rodriguez. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Alex Gonzalez,' these two are a Alex Gonzalez.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. pissed off! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Alex Rodriguez. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Screech of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Alex Rodriguez caught a case of mad cow disease at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Jerome Bettis on steroids.

Bish points out that the chances that Alex Rodriguez will come down with mad cow disease in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Alex Rodriguez receives a vicious Stone Cold Stunner from David Ortiz in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Mankind and The Rock faced off? I don't even care if it was fake, that was sweet. That rivals when Al Pacino's Any Given Sunday speech for 'Most Inspirational Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)

3. Alex Rodriguez is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Billy Koch or Isaiah Thomas.

2. Alex Rodriguez hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Dylan McKay and Mr. Miyagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Alex Rodriguez meets Trischelle from The Real World; Las Vegas, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Alex Rodriguez we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Melissa Stark in Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longoria and going back to her place, only to find out that Wilt Chamberlain is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Monopoly with cupcakes made of string' and 'Babe Ruth's Shiny hookers as potential team names, we settle on 'The Hasselhoffinators.'

The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to buying your girlfriend's tampons, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Twisted Sister perform songs by George Muresan while I dry hump? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a strip club. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be i am no longer a virgin and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a super mario bros. arcade game, but owner B has a case of Milwaukee's Best. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'you know what you did.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in truth or dare, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Phil Helmuth doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the abortion is wrong of fantasy sports.

It's also like a triatholon. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-what goes around comes around

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Kansas City Royals? Do they have a tendency toward poking your arm? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like gold.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Ken Griffey Junior, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Ruben Rivera.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of Geography

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your the green goblin-spiderman in Spiderman 1 moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid fifteen million dollars for Doc Gooden, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Kirk Gibson? Or are you Richie Kotite, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of The Masters. You need to shoot a -18. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less sexy, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Paris Hilton in a Muslim service.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and alex gonzalez, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become ridiculously long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the knight of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Just... ya know... you're funny. ' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like the atomic bomb, screaming incomprehensible things like Timmay! and threatening to curses if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'You can win'