Is that my voice cracking?

It has taken a long, arduous 20 and a half years, but the time has finally come. I have finally went through puberty and become a man. The voice has become deeper and the hair is growing on my arms. The muscles are coming in and I think I grew an inch today. Have I successfully moved you into a fantasy realm that is a few levels past the land of Narnia yet? No? Well, good. Because the fact remains that my voice is still a high baritone, my hair is smoother than every white woman I know, I'm still a midget, and and whenever I am showering, I suddenly have a craving to watch Robin Williams' Flubber. Nonetheless, I stand by my statement that I have become a man.

Almost overnight, I have snuck into the back of a van, huddled closely to a dozen minorities in the dark, and crossed the border into Playboy and Budweisers. The realization came at me like raindrops on a sunny day, like a junior high school friend who hasn't talked to me in 8 years facebooking me, like poop coming out when you expect gas. Many people have begun asking me this one question, and I have even asked myself this question from time to time: "What are you thinking?" or "What's going on?" or some other variation. And these days, I can look at anyone in the eye, and honestly say the most truthful male answer I have ever heard. Nothing.

I never knew when I would finally reach this point, but now I can take off my pampers and screw Gerber in the face. I can act like an idiot, jump on top of a table, and declare the utter vacancy of my mind. Maybe once in a while, I'll come up with a good idea of how to say "hello" to one of the female persuasion, or I may grunt when Jack Bauer sticks a needle in the villain's neck, but for the most part, I will be sitting still and still thinking about absolutely nothing, except that nothing at this point, means everything to me.

I feel like a Buddhist who has reached the nothingness of enlightenment.