Paris Hilton's Video Genius

Paris Hilton has kept the E! Channel in business with enough clips of drunkeness. She was the only bright spot in the horrid (not horror) film, House of Wax, though it was not because of her acting. There is nothing like watching the blonde dimwit die with a big stick through her head, not in it. And we cannot forget the other video. Yeah, that one that made Pamela and Tommy's video look like Citizen Kane.

But unlike these three videos, she has a new video out...a music video, featuring her first single set out to be released next week on radio (though I heard it today on Z100) called "Stars Are Blind." Surprisingly, the raggae infused single is not too bad. It is a cross between Jessica Simpson and Gwen Stefani, though closer to the latter. And at some points, I might even have to argue that in terms of catchiness, it is better. Of course, I have only heard it a couple of times through the radio and YouTube. And if I can predict the future through the radio's past actions and the world's obsession with the wannabe diva, we will be hearing this song over the summer more than we heard Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" in 1997.

The music video, on the other hand, is not the greatest work of artistry. Basically, she finds herself in a leopard bikini frolicking in the beach with Fabio's cousin. They play in the water and hold each other, while she takes gasps of air to sing a few lines in the song. Through the black-and-white setting, the director and Paris attempts to give Hilton legitimacy, but viewers are too distracted by the fact we're seeing a Paris Hilton music video to care about legitimacy. Near the middle of the song, it switches to a color sequence with Paris Hilton, looking all virgin-like, groping two trees. So be careful next time you're in the beach and you see a few trees because that may not be sunburn.

The actual singing does not say much about Paris, since it did not required almost anything, except near the end of the song, where she barely sings the word "love" at an octave up, closely resembling Carl Lewis' ugly rendition of the national anthem last decade. The lyrics are a whole other story. It is no shock that Paris' lyrics were not anywhere close to Bob Dylan, but I think the Swedish guys who do Britney's and Backstreet Boys' lyrics could have done better.

"Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride,
But when I walk they talk of suicide,
Some people never get beyond their stupid pride,
But you can see the real me inside,
And I'm satisfied"

and then my favorite:

" If you show me real love baby,
I'll show you mine."

Maybe this is all a good thing. As proven my the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out," Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping," and the aforementioned Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," songs like these may be so overplayed that we will never see from them or hear from them ever again. If everything works out perfectly, we could help our trade causes as a nation by trading her to Germany, following David Hasselhoff's footsteps. Maybe in return, they could give us the World Cup.